20 years later.....

Graduation from London Christian Academy Class 2012

This room is small and smells funny, the chairs are in disarray, Please have a seat in here and the doctor will be with you shortly.  I feel sick, why won't they let me go see my baby.  There is a March of Dimes poster on the wall staring back at me.  The room is cold.  How much longer?  there is a knock on the door.  I stood up, there was a lady in a white coat that walked in.  Hello, My name is Dr Noonan. We sat down.  We talked.  She started telling me of all kinds of different types of heart conditions.  There is one that is called hypoplastic left heart syndrome.... hypo what?  was my thought.  This is a very serious heart defect, "why is she telling me this, they brought us here because he has a heart murmur," unfortunately your baby was born with this...."what?  what does that mean?  I'm sorry, but your baby has only 2-5 days to live.  What?  is there nothing we can do?  can't you fix it?  The doctor replied, we have not had any success with the surgeries to "fix" this.  Babies born with this condition usually die within days of birth.  We can send you home with him, and try to make as many memories as you can.    Can we not do a heart transplant?  I'm sorry, there are not too many baby hearts available..........   OH GOD.... my baby is going to die?   Please.... Please is there anywhere else that has done the surgery and babies lived?   We will check.  But for now, we will plan on sending you home.  You are young, you can have more babies..... but I want this one.      The doctor took me to the NICU to see him.. as I am walking by I see these babies that are so small, hooked up to all kinds of things... then I come up on my baby.... Shawn.  I told the dr, "he is the biggest baby in here", she replied, I know, and he is also the sickest.    How could this be?  he looks perfect.   Later that evening, after much persistent that I was just not going to take this baby home to watch him die..we were told, that there is a surgeon in Cincinnati at the Children's hospital that can do a surgery on your baby.  But we recommend you not put him through it and put yourself through it.  He may only have a 5-20% chance of making it through the first open heart surgery, there will be at least 3 surgeries that he will have to go through, and end up dying anyways.   One thing that still sticks out in my mind about that Dr.  was how she brought up the fact that I was  young, I could have other children, she wanted me to know how expensive it would be to care for a child with a heart problem, I had a medical card... that alone showed that I didn't have the monetary means to care for such a sick baby.  As I sat there embarrassed by her words, I told her that my decision was to do ANYTHING it took to give my baby a chance to live.     The arrangements were made...we were off to Cincinnati.    Shawn was transported by ambulance, my family and I arrived a couple of hours later.     When I was taken back to the NICU at Cincinnati Children's hospital, there was a swarm of dr's around my baby.  I was so afraid.  As I walked up to them... Hi, My name is Tonya.  I am Shawn's mom.  Dr. Schneider, Dr Tam was introduced to us.   Dr Tam had trained under Dr Norwood who performed/ created the surgeries on Hypoplastic left heart babies and the first surgery is named after him.. the Norwood procedure. they explained to me what was really wrong with Shawn's heart... the left ventricle never grew... he has only the right side of his heart, and the right side isn't suppose to be the main pumping chamber of the heart. there is a small artery right now that is staying open but closes within a few days of life, its only used during utero, but we are keeping it open with some medicine right now called prostaglandins, until we can do surgery... Our hopes are that we can reconstruct the heart and make that right side the main pumping chamber, we will then reroute his blood supply.   But there is only a 5-20% chance that he will live?  I asked.   The doctor replied back to me.... we think he has  at least 80% chance to live after the first surgery.    My heart was excited.  But there will be a long recovery... we say 80% to make it through the surgery, there are no guarantees of what may happen afterwards.  He may be in the hospital up to 6-10 weeks, that is the average that we see, with babies born like Shawn.    We will take our chances.  Please do whatever you can.  A promise was made.  

He was 5 days old, we are going for surgery.  The waiting room was next to the chapel,  there had been a lot of praying done up to this point...but I needed to get alone with GOD.   I walked in to that little chapel, there were stain glassed windows. there was a little alter, there I knelt and cried out to GOD.   Please don't let my baby die...God I promise that if you will let me raise him, I will raise him up the best that I know how... please Lord, I know I am not worthy... but please heal my baby, and let me keep him.  I will take him to church, I will teach him your ways....please.   after about 12 hours in surgery, they came out.  He is doing very well, you may go see him shortly.      Shawn became very popular around the hospital, he done better than anyone ever expected. He was out of the hospital and home with in 2 weeks.   GOD MOVED.  GOD ANSWERED PRAYERS.    A baby that only was given 2-5 days to live will turn 20 years old tomorrow.  July 22. 

2o years later, Shawn has grown into a great young man.  He has never given us any trouble, he has been a typical teenage boy, but never rebellious.  He has been through a lot in his life.  Problems and worries with his own health, the sickness of Brooklyn, watching her suffer,  the unbearable grief of loosing her.  Through it all GOD proved his faithfulness to Shawn and to us.   Watching Shawn grow up in church, he was always sensitive to the spirit of God.  In May 2004, Shawn gave his life to Jesus.  He like the rest of us has had ups and downs in his spiritual journey.  But I have seen him grow.  He has read his Bible through.  THE WHOLE THING, from cover to cover.  I see him reading and searching in the word.  I am very proud of him. 

As mother's, we have great expectations of our children.  don't we?   What I wanted Shawn to do with his life, is go to College and do something in the medical field.  Since I am a nurse, I was urging him to go into nursing.  He has a love for children, and he could use his life experience to help others.  All my children ever has known, is sickness...so the medical field would be a great profession.   OR so I thought.......   Shawn has battled within himself, on what he should do with his life....but now a decision has been made.  Next month, August 24, Shawn will be moving to Pennsylvania to go to Bible College.  Do you know how far away that is?    God has a plan for Shawn's life.  We don't know what that call is right now.  Maybe its to be a Christian school teacher, a missionary to the Jungles of Africa... he doesn't know yet,  but wherever it leads... and as long as Shawn stays in the will of GOD... he will go far.    I can't say that I was jumping up and down with his decision.  Its a long way from home.   It's a long way away from me.  But who am I to stand in the way of God's will or his call to go.   20 years ago, I promised the Lord I would do all that I could, to raise Shawn in the house of the LORD. to teach him about him.  I gave Shawn back to the Lord and said, what ever you want to do with him.... he is yours.    He let me keep him..... I have failed so many times, in this parenting business.  I have let Shawn down so many times.  I have tried to raise him the best that I know how, I may not have always made the right decisions, been the best mom.... but I am glad I raised him in the house of the LORD, I kept that promise.   I am glad that God entrusted him to me.   I am proud of his decision to accept the call of GOD to go, not knowing what his "will" is,  but to find what that will-will be.    We are so very proud of you Shawn. My prayer is that you grow in your work for the LORD.  This is your destiny.  I know that at times you have questioned so many things that you have had to endure.  Heartache, disappointment, discouragement, but through it all you have continued to hang on-to the one that has lead you through it and who will continue to lead you.  
 

Shawn,   my plans for you were different than what God has called you into.  I know that you have struggled with doing what "mommy" wants and accepting the will of GOD for your life.  Don't get me wrong... my number one priority is for you to be a God's Man.  To be in his will, to do a work for HIM.  I just didn't want it to be so far away.  But in my heart... I always have known, God will use  you one day.  From the time you were little, and I saw God come by time and time again... I knew he would ask you to do a work for him.   I don't know what that call is... a teacher, a missionary, a prayer warrior, jail ministry, or a door keeper.  but whatever it be... you have me in your corner, your number one cheerleader backing you all the way.  I am proud of you.   I know that moving away may be hard.  But you can do this.  This is what you were made for.  I am excited to see what the LORD has in store for you. 

You are turning 20 years old.  where has time gone?  I was just 19 years old when you were born, I was  young and  oh so very naïve about life.   You have brought much joy to our lives.  You have always been so kind, loving and little smart mouth at times. (lol)  I seen  how  you care and love your sisters.  How you would take care of Brooklyn when she was sick, come to her beacon call, no matter if it was just to hand her something or get her a jingle cookie and red koolaid.  I have watched, when things weren't going good, you would go off to your self.  Never drawing attention to yourself.  I see how loving you are to always kiss and hug Hannah Good night, when she will allow you to. I see how when Brooklyn left, you wanted to speak at her funeral.  You helped us pick out songs for her service... I see how you love others.  You have a kind heart, you will be able to help others... because you have walked where they are.    The direction that you are taking..is the right one.  Going off to do /learn the will of God for your life will always be the right decision, even if it doesn't make sense to others.  God will never call you into something that he has to lead you out of.  He knows what is best for you. What you are capable of doing for him.  He has called you... and you have answered, Here am I Lord...use me.    I can never express how proud I am of you.  I love you, Shawn!  Happy 20th birthday.   

"The Harvest is great, but the labourers are few: pray ye therefore the LORD of the harvest, that he would send forth labourers into his harvest. Luke 10:2