Life on the Branch Continues....

 

 

 

Life on the Branch Continues.....with much grief but much hope. 

 

 



Can you believe that its November 14, 2015?  wow where does time go?  As the Holidays are knocking on our door my mind never seems to forget the happiness and excitement of Christmas' past.  Christmas has always been such a fun excitement, thrilling time once I had children.  Prior to that I never really knew the excitement of Christmas well, maybe a little bit, but that excitement would soon be crushed on Christmas morning.  I was a the only girl growing up - I have 3 brothers (whom I love deeply) but it seemed like they always got the best gifts- one year, they got a new tv, a new Atari game with new games- I got a blue coat.  I remember being so disappointed, maybe I needed the coat, but what my heart really wanted was maybe a new game like the boys got, or a baby doll that I could hold and love.....but no I got a big ugly blue coat.   I remember hanging a sock behind our wood burning stove, cause I heard my friends talking at school that if you hang a stocking up, that this Santa Claus would come fill it up on Christmas eve with goodies.   I found the biggest longest white sock that daddy had and hung it up- Christmas morning, I woke up so excited to go look and see what Santa put in my stocking- I had been good that year or so I thought- but when I went into the living room, there hung that white sock----empty.  So to say that I savor the memories of Christmas' as a child- I do not.    So when I was blessed with children of my own, I wanted Christmas to be different for them- Christmas would be magical, fun, and most of all- loving.  Our Christmas traditions would be different for my kids- they would never see heart ache on any Christmas morning if I could have my way about it.    Leading up to Christmas we would bake cookies, listen to Christmas music, put up the nativity, decorate the tree, wrap presents and try to hide them from the kids and one another.   Kevin would decorate the outside of the house with hundreds of lights, and place all kinds of blown up Christmas inflatables all over the yard.   Christmas was magical, happy, exciting.   Every Christmas eve, the whole family would get new Christmas pjs and new coloring books with crayons- ( one of my most favorite things)  we would sit around and color in our new coloring books and talk about what would be under the tree the next morning.   Santa at our house only brings 1 gift to the kids- and to keep them from ever feeling that Santa favored the kid down the road more than them, I would tell them that we give Santa the money to buy their gift- some families give Santa more money than others, that is why some kids may get more than others- I never wanted my kids to feel that "this santa" would have favorites and that they were never as good as the other kids- the way I had felt as a child.    So Christmas eve comes, we have baked Santa cookies, left carrots and apples for the reindeer and a big glass of milk out for Santa to come and enjoy, while he drops off gifts for Shawn, Brooklyn and Hannah.   Those Christmas eve nights while Kevin and I would set up wrapping more gifts, writing our "Santa Letter" to the kids, believe me , my husband is some writer-  he made the best santa letters-  and as he wrote them and we read them we would laugh so hard at times, trying to be quiet and not to wake the three monkeys in the bed who were pretending to be asleep.    Christmas morning would come and we would be awakened by our 3 lovelies, who had went and checked out the filled stockings and what was under the tree- but they knew they could not touch them til we all came into the living room.   So we would drag our sleepy  heads up- the house was filled with laughing excited children- all would run to the couch sitting closely to their overfilled stocking - before any thing is opened - we must first read about that First Christmas- so many years ago- Kevin has always read to us the Christmas story from Luke-   Yes Christmas is exciting and fun and we love the lights and glitter, but most of all my children KNOWS that greater than anything JESUS is why we celebrate Christmas-  HE is the REASON of it all.  Every year they sat listening to the story of Jesus' birth- and how blessed we are to be given the chance to KNOW him.   They would then find the letter from Santa and read it out loud, laughing hysterically-   Then we take turns opening the stockings one by one, savoring every minute of the morning-  Brooklyn would take things out of her stocking and show Hannah and Shawn, and vice versa -  then they would go to under the tree handing out the gifts and and piling them up in their own neatly pile.    Those have been the best days of my life.    It will soon be 7 years since I saw that excitement in 3 lil kids eyes.   I guess now we call it in our home-  Our last Christmas.  Dec 2008- Brooklyn's most favorite holiday was Christmas- she had relapsed with leukemia and we had been told a year before that she would not live but a few months.  But if you knew Brooklyn you knew that she went by no ones time table. She defied all odds and done things her way-  She made a checklist back in the Summer of 2008- she was going to go to Our church youth camp,  Indian Summer Camp, she was going to go to Richlands Camp meeting, she was going to be home for Thanksgiving and most of all she could not wait til Christmas.   So Christmas was coming, we decorated, we cranked up the music, this Christmas was going to be magical. and my prayer was for a Christmas MIRACLE-  we went to see Christmas lights drive around for ever just to enjoy them.  During this time Brooklyn's health was declining but seemed to be stable- one of the last times we went to clinic she talked my leg off the whole way there and back- she sat back and looking out the car window started singing God is GOOD, yes he is, he's good all the time-     Could God be giving me a Christmas Miracle?  I sure hoped so.   Kevin decorated the outside of our house once again and I remember so clearly, when he was done he came in and said "Brooklyn, you ready to go see the lights, she was so excited, but she wasn't able to walk out, so Kevin scooped her up in his arms and carried her out-  her eyes were so lit up, WOW- Kevin you done the best job- they are beautiful she would just brag on him and he ate every second of it up.   Later that night, we were laying in her bedroom with her, and all of a sudden she said, Oh Kevin- where did you get those Christmas lights- they are the most beautiful white lights I have ever seen-  we were confused by what she said, and Kevin said are you talking about the lights on your Christmas tree?  She said,"no- those lights up there, where did you get them? They are so beautiful- as kevin and I looked at one another, Knowing that we were not seeing the lights she was- I said, Brooklyn we don't see them- she said they are right there-  with her finger pointing to an unknown city of lights that our eyes could not see- she said, oh they are gone now.  My heart sank, knowing that what she saw was greater than anything that we could have mustered up for her.....our Christmas miracle wasn't going to come like I hoped. 

Christmas eve morning I wake up to a sweet little voice - momma- its Christmas eve!  yes it is baby!  Momma I wasn't suppose to live til Christmas was I?  lump in throat, I reply- no, by what the dr's say you shouldn't have.  She smiled so big- they don't know everything do they?  No Brookie, they don't.  Momma do you remember what I told you back in August? when they thought I was dying, but I woke up- Yes, Brooklyn I do, -  what did I tell you?  I looked her deep in her those dark chocolate brown eyes and I said - you told me you wanted to go to Heaven- she said, but what else did I tell you?  I said, you told me I had to let go-    she said how many times did I tell you that - that morning?  I said you told me 3 times-  momma, you have to let go, you have to let go, you have to let go.   My insides were screaming NOOO-  I don't want to let go!  I can't let go! but as she smiled at me and nodded her head in a way with no words spoken , she said it again to me- but this time with her heart- you got to let go.    Christmas eve is a blur to me-  but that night we all had a sleep over in Brooklyn's room that night- Brooklyn wanted to set the alarm for 7 am because she said she wanted to sleep in just a bit-  the alarm went off that next morning- Christmas was here- Kevin read the Christmas story, Shawn read the santa letter- we all were trying to pretend that this was by far the best Christmas ever, but it wasn't-  the most favorite holiday to my precious Brooklyn, - the day she made sure that she lived for was here, but it wasn't what any of us expected- She tried so hard to open all her presents, but soon said - momma, I can't open them - do you care to open them for me?  I opened each one gloating over every single thing she got- but she wasn't seeing those presents-  the presents didn't matter anymore.  She declined fast that day- as we sat by her bedside-  a few people came to help-  Dr Moscow drove from Lexington and sat with us that entire day and into the night-  I remember that we didn't have any big fancy Christmas dinner-  actually I don't remember what we had to offer, except some Christmas candy -   I remember just praying Lord, please don't take her today- NOT TODAY!  this wasn't the way it was suppose to be -  she lived for this day!  My kids were never suppose to see a sad Christmas and especially this kind of Christmas-   8 days later Brooklyn went home to be  with Jesus.  She said good bye to this world and all its sorrow.   I've looked back so many times to that Christmas eve morning and our conversation- when she reminded me that I needed to let go-  did I keep her here til Christmas? because I wouldn't let go?  Brooklyn had not made any more plans on what she wanted to do, it was always just up until Christmas-  I'll be here for Christmas- I would try to get her to look ahead and be like what else are we going to do? and she would say hmmmm- I can't think of anything.   Our life forever changed that year- when you love much, there is much grief. 
     I can't say that since our Brooklyn left that things have not been hard-  that first year is a fog to me.  I have became a different person in many ways.   As Christmas is approaching- Kevin and I always dread this time of year- because it reminds us that our family is no longer whole.  We have moved on the best that we can- and every Christmas since - we have tried to do our best for it to be joyful for Shawn and Hannah-  but we see it in their eyes too-  we still hang up Brooklyn's stocking right along with the rest of ours, there's still a closet full of unopened gifts from that last Christmas that is hidden away, there's still a great sadness.   But one thing I have found since Brooklyn went to heaven - is GREAT HOPE- hope that one day we will all be together again and never to be separated again.   Hope that cancer is no longer ravishing her small body, HOPE that heaven is greater than anything that I have ever imagined, HOPE that the lights of that city shows brightly to those that are nearing its shore, HOPE that families can find laughter again even in the midst of great sorrow, HOPE that a husband and wife can fall in love again, HOPE that Jesus can give peace that is unexplainable, HOPE -  THERE is HOPE that somehow has come alive on the Branch- even in the midst of such great loss.  HOPE that no matter what- Jesus is there.   The Lord has shown himself to be a faithful friend, one that has not left me in my time of sorrow.   He has opened my eyes to things that matter- people that matter.   There is HOPE for the hopeless- we just have got to show them JESUS-  we must love like he loves, we must encourage one another to keep going- Heaven is waiting and there is HOPE that we each one us can go there.  As this Holiday season is approaching and  Christmas morning rolls around again- we have HOPE. 
This time of year can be the most depressing time for many, the suicide rate increases during the holidays- there are so many hurting people-  so many people that has lost hope-   but as a Christian we all can offer love to those that are hurting- encouragement for those who are discouraged, HOPE to those who feel hopeless-  We can show them JESUS-  for in him and him alone have I found the strength to get out of the bed each day- and if he can give strengthen someone as weak as me- he can and will do it for all that come to him.    So this Christmas - lets spread HOPE!